A Letter to My Daughter

FLOWER AND PREGNANT STOMACH
© Merrill Dyck | Dreamstime.com

We found out I was pregnant with you not too long after our honeymoon! I was so happy, I had been wanting to be a mommy for as long as I could remember. Having a life grow inside of me was truly a miracle from God.


Your Daddy and I lived in a one bedroom apartment in Tampa, FL.  We had already planned to put the bassinet in our room in the beginning. We were thinking of moving into a bigger place by the time you were old enough to be in a crib.


Morning sickness hit me pretty hard, but it reminded me that you were here with me. That lasted a good 12 weeks. I remember getting ready for work in the morning and your Daddy would play some Cat Stevens music, that was his name back then!

The both of us in 1983

Work was pretty tough, I was working as a CNA until I took my Registered Nurse license exam. One of my co-workers would always disappear when I needed him the most.  I had to lift and bathe patients and didn't want to do any lifting while pregnant. Sadly, I ended up doing quite a bit of that, it became unavoidable.  Sometimes I think back on those days and wish I had protected you more.


Our doctor was Dr. William Capps, he was wonderful. We went for our check up and we heard your heart beat for the first time. The sound was so magical. You sounded like a horse galloping!  You were moving a lot by now.  Your Daddy and I would talk to you and tell you how much we loved you.

By now I was starting to feel better and the morning sickness was gone. I loved being pregnant! You made me so happy! I couldn't wait to meet you. Since we still had a few months to go, guess what we did?  We got a puppy!

Bernadette

She was a Cocker Spaniel and her name was Bernadette.  She loved to chew on everything! Your Daddy named her after his favorite actress, Bernadette Peters!  She had red curly hair too and such a cute puppy!   Now I can see why your Daddy wanted to name her Bernadette!!  I couldn't wait for you to get here so that you could play with her! 

Image via Wikipedia

We were getting things ready for you. My friends from work gave me a baby shower!  I think I went through and folded and refolded all the tiny clothes that you would soon be wearing!

Daddy and Mommy both worked at the same hospital.  On our way home from work we had a hit and run accident. I was 7 months pregnant and that night I started to have contractions.  We were so scared.  Daddy took me to the hospital.  They checked me out and thankfully you were okay!


Your Grandma came and visited us from Puerto Rico.  You were going to be their first grand-baby   She made you a Bambi cross stitch blanket.  Together we also made a wall quilt that was going in your room. It had little animals in a hot air balloon, rolling hills and a tree with birds flying through white puffy clouds.  I made yellow gingham curtains to match and we painted an old dresser white that was going in your room too. Time was getting close for you to arrive.  We had a great visit but she had to get back home to Grandpa!


Around a week before you were due to arrive I went shopping with your Aunt Debi for more items for your room.  A couple of times during the day I started to get painful cramps, but they only lasted a few seconds.


After I got home, Daddy and I sat and began to watch "The Miracle of Life".  I started to realize that I hadn't felt you move in the last few hours.  My heart sank, we both tried to make you move but nothing happened. Daddy quickly called Dr. Capps and we were off to the hospital.


I was so scared, you just had one more week to go, I didn't want to think that maybe we had lost you, at least not yet. They placed me in a room and asked Daddy to go to admitting to fill out some paperwork.  My Dr. wasn't there yet, so the on call Dr. arrived and turned the sonogram machine on.


As an NICU nurse I knew what I was looking for. As he placed the warm gel on my belly I started to pray silently to God.  Then your tiny little image appeared on the screen, but your heart was no longer beating. I didn't have to wait for the Dr. to tell me the news, I already knew.


Daddy finally showed up and I had to tell him. We were devastated and heart broken. They tried to induce me and as I was laying there separated by only curtains, I could hear the other moms giving birth to their healthy babies. Tears were just streaming down my face as I heard the cries, I knew I wasn't going to be hearing the sound of your sweet voice.


My contractions were getting stronger, however I wasn't feeling any pain.  The nurses couldn't believe it. I was determined not to deliver you naturally.  I couldn't go through with it, I was physically and emotionally drained.  They wanted to wait another day before they had to perform a C/S.


The next day they tried to induce me again.  I wasn't dilating or feeling any physical pain.  My heart was aching, the loss of being able to have you in my life was unbearable. Our doctor finally decided to perform the C/S.  I was relieved, I don't think I could handle another day of the same.


After the surgery the nurse brought you in to us.  Soon I was holding you in my arms. You had dark curly hair and a sweet turned up little nose. You were precious. I didn't want to hand you back to the nurse.  I couldn't, not just yet. I had to look at you so that the memory of your sweet little face would never be erased for as long as I lived. We named you Alexandra Christine.


Your Daddy was so strong, strong for both of us. He took care of the baptism and burial.  I couldn't deal with it. I had to stay in the hospital for a few more days.  I felt empty inside. I would wake up from sleeping and was hoping it was all a bad dream.  I had carried you for nine months and now you were gone.  

CHILD GRAVE ANGEL
© Crystalvenus | Dreamstime.com

I love you my dear Alexandra Christine and I miss you terribly.  You are in Heaven now with your Grandma.  I know that you are both looking down on us.  You have three younger brothers too!  One day we will all be together again.

Love Always,

Your Mommy

I have been wanting to write this down for quite some time.  I guess I have been avoiding doing so because of the fear of reliving the pain all over again.  However, it was long over due.  I want to thank Elisa Hirsch from The Golden Sky Blogfest, for allowing me to write about my sweet daughter.

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• American Pregnancy Association (americanpregnancy.org)